She's Pregnant, not Dying
by DaSwampRat'sCherie
Summary: You know insanity reigns when a pregnant, previously Goth, Southern spitfire seems to be the most sane person in the mansion. Chocked full of suspense, craziness, deception, humor, drama, and, of course, romance, this installment has all the qualities of a great story! A member of the "Ah'm Pregnant, Dammit!" series.


Another segment of the "Ah'm Pregnant, Dammit!" series. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm a bum. I should've gotten this out WAY sooner... But you gotta give me credit for getting it uploaded at all, and that a large reason for the delay was my preoccupation with another story. (Which probably won't be published in any of your lifetimes knowing me...) Right. Focus.

Disclaimer: Wade decided he wanted the copy-right papers he had stolen for me. Something about his displeasure with the delay on his movie. (I mean, seriously, if the script is really as good as it's supposed to be, one would think Fox would suck it up and give it the "R" rating. Or at the very least simply take out the blood/g, ore that might make it "R" or something. Geesh, it's not rocket science.) Well, Wade is hoping if he owns the copy-right to himself and Marvel, perhaps they'll finally make his movie. If not, he plans on "taking care" of the people that are causing the problem.

I say that all to say this: No, for the moment, I don't own anything.

* * *

Ever since Rogue's pregnancy became official, the whole of the mansion's population took it as their personal duty to make sure she didn't do _anything_. That would, of course, result in harm to the mother or the child. At first, both parents found it sweet, but the expecting Southerner quickly changed her view on the subject.

Rogue had somehow managed to make it to the laundry room with a load of "delicates" without running into anyone who was trying to be "helpful". Even more surprising still, she was able to put the clothing into the washer, and even the dryer, without any interruptions. She knew she'd have to wait a while before they would be clean and ready to put away, so she decided the most appropriate course of action would be to find a snack of which she could consume.

And thus it began for the day. Rogue had just entered the kitchen when Kitty came bounding out of nowhere, Piotr behind her lugging a chair.

"Like, you silly goose! What are you doing walking around?" The small brunette asked, a rather scary gleam in her eyes.

"Um, well, ya' see, when God created man, he gave him two legs so that he could transport himself from one location to the other. That action is called 'walking'." The Southerner replied satirically.

Kitty rolled her eyes with a bubbly giggle. "You're like, so totally funny, Rogue!" Then her demeanor took on a more serious air as she straightened both her posture and her face.

"But legit, Rogue. I don't think that's, like, good for the baby. I mean, so much of the energy and nutrients and stuff you have is being shared with him. Or her."

"Thanks, Kit, but Ah know how bein' pregnant works." She crossed her arms.

"Well then you should totally know you need to take it easy! Here, like, you should sit."

Piotr finally set down the chair he'd been holding silently for the entirety of the dialogue before him.

"Thanks Pete," Kitty flashed him a winning smile which caused the Russian to blush and duck his head. They'd been together even before Remy and Rogue had finally tied the knot and gotten married, yet he was still bashful about it.

Kitty began pushing Rogue into the chair, but in the attempt almost caused the soon-to-be mother to fall flat on her back. Luckily, however, Remy walked in just then and caught her seconds before she could get hurt.

"Ohmigosh! Rogue, I'm like, so sorry! But you gotta' rest! Please, it's like, for the best!" Kitty pleaded.

"I t'ink I'll take care o' her from her, merci, Chaton." Remy told her, guiding his wife away from the couple and instead toward the fridge where he knew she was headed. (I mean, where else had been her destination since her pregnancy started?)

Kitty moved to stand by Piotr and watched their retreating figures. "Like, I don't think he realizes how important this is for the baby's safety! We should like, take shifts watching them. I totally don't get why she doesn't understand how much she could be hurting her child!" Piotr personally didn't see the big deal either, but was so blinded by his love for his precious Katya he didn't think much of it.

Rogue and Remy were eating at the island in the middle of the kitchen. (This should be read: Rogue was shoveling obscene amounts of chocolate ice-cream into her mouth whilst her loving husband wearily watched, fascinated by the sum of food (often sugary) his tiny wife could consume without putting herself into a coma.)

Jean and Scott entered the kitchen, immediately spotting the Southern couple and, ergo, promptly approaching them.

"Hey, Rogue, how're you doing?" Jean asked in a sickeningly sweet voice.

After swallowing a particularly abundant scoop, Rogue responded with, "Pretty good, you?"

"The same." *insert brief and oh, so casual pause* "Is there anything we can do for you?" The red head peered at the expecting mother in an eerie manner, even though she was clearly trying (and failing) to be nonchalant about the inquiry.

"No, Ah'm good, thanks. Ah got my own personal slave, eh?" She gave Remy a playful nudge.

"Actually, Remy, if I could talk to you." Scott interjected, but only after his red-headed wife jabbed him in the gut and gave him a pointed look.

"Sure, Cyke." The Cajun replied, following the other mutant to the corner by the fridge.

"Look, Jean and Kitty are really worried about Rogue and the baby-"

"She's pregnant, not dying-" from Remy.

"Are you sure your doing enough for her? I mean, giving in to all her needs."

"Have you seen how many food runs I've made?"

"Well, that's expected. How about the little things. Such as, well, maybe drawing her bath water-"

"What?"

"Or maybe putting away her clean clothes-"

"She can do dat herself-"

"Or carrying her up and down the stairs. It's a quite a walk-"

"You're gettin' ridiculous-"

"But _think_ about it. Are you _really_ doing _all_ you can for her?"

Remy hesitated. "My wife's very independent. If I did all dat you're suggestin', she'd have my ass kicked from here int' nex' year."

"That's what she _wants_ you to think. How open has Rogue been about what she really wants? She's probably just putting on an act because she's the type of person who hates asking for help."

Remy's resolve was beginning to falter, and Scott could tell. Suddenly, a slightly glazed look came over Remy, so Scott pressed further.

"She needs your help now more than ever."

"I'm pretty sure I know my wife better dan you do..."

"Exactly, so tell me. Do you honestly think she'd ask you for help?"

Remy ran his fingers through his hair. "Well, I don't know..."

"Give it a shot. She is pregnant after all, and you made her that way. You can't simply abandon her in her time of need."

The more attractive of the two (if you really didn't know I was referring to Remy, then I don't know why you're even reading this story. Or what planet you live on.) Right: the much more sexy of the two paused for another moment before nodding and saying, "Ya' know what One-Eye? I t'ink you an' da girls be right." With that, the most handsome man sauntered over to his wife, the dazed look still there, but much less prominent.

"Hey, chere. Ya' sure ya' don't need anyt'in'?" During his question, Scott and Jean shared an affirming nod and exited, feeling their newest believer was trustworthy enough to handle the situation.

"Yeah, Ah'm fine, Rems. People are drivin' me insane 'cause they keep waitin' on me! Kitty even had Petey bring a chair for me!" She vented between gulps of food.

What she didn't realize, was her husband had been brain-washed into believing she needed him to do everything for her. _Everything_. He didn't process a word she said, and, instead, translated it to a small plea for his help to wait on her hand and foot.

"Don' worry 'bout it petite."

"It's obnoxious," She huffed, standing and moving to take her dish over to the sink. That was, until Remy jumped to his feet and snatched it from her.

"I got it, chere," He told her hurriedly, darting over to the sink as fast as possible so as to minimize the time spent away from her.

"Very funny," She rolled her eyes, assuming he was being his usual cheeky self and poking fun at the others' behaviour. If she only knew. However, before the truth could be revealed, Hank came up to remind Remy of his Danger Room training session with some of the younger students.

He made a theatric scene about leaving her, Rogue once again assuming he was simply being snarky. Said Southern Belle spent the rest of the time it took for the laundry to dry reading up on raising children in the library, surprisingly, without being interrupted.

* * *

Rogue waddled through the halls and back to the laundry room, avoiding people at all costs, even to the extent of ducking into empty rooms and around corners. At last, she made it to her destination and removed her and Remy's delicates from the dryer.

The young Southerner had just shuffled out of the room, hauling the cumbersome basket awkwardly in front of her, when her furry brother, Kurt, ported in front of her. The blue smoke and smell of sulfur caused her to cough.

"Mein schwester!You should not be straining yourself zis way!" He exclaimed once he cleared the smoke away by waving his hands and tail.

"It's not _that_ heavy, "She told him rolling her eyes.

"Yes-it-is!" He grunted, attempting to wrench it from her grasp. However, seeing as how Rogue was in top physical condition even _during _her pregnancy, she managed to keep an iron grip on it.

"Kurt! Ah'm fine!"

"No! Zis-is-too-_much_!" Finally, he was able to wry it away, however, this caused by to fall to the ground and the delicates to be scattered across the floor.

Bobby, Ray and Roberto rounded the corner and saw them. (This should be read: As if on some sadistic cue, Bobby, Ray and Roberto rounded the corner and stopped abruptly, seeing the scene before them, their eyes unabashedly ogling Rogue's lingerie.)

"Whoa," Bobby breathed. "Rogue's bigger than I thought." Then, sharing a small glance amongst themselves, the three teenagers dove for the first brassiere within reach.

"I'll help you, Rogue!"

"No, I got it!"

"She likes _me_ the best!"

"She does not! Who did she _not _beat up during the simulation?!"

"That was because of Remy! Here, let me get that for her!"

The siblings watched silently as the three boys scrambled to get a hold of the laundry before them. That was until Bobby and Ray were playing a game of tug-of-war with a pair of red silk and lace panties. And ripped it in two. Rogue burst into tears, causing everyone to freeze and go silent.

"You-You-You ripped them!" She spluttered. "They-They were my favorite pair! Remy got them for me for his birthday!"

The trio shared a glance at that tid-bit of information, not sure whether they wanted to know or not.

"They were expensive! And sexy! Women like to be sexy ya' know! Look what ya' did! Ya' violated my clothes! What the hell is wrong with ya?!" She was sobbing as she slowly picked up the haphazard articles.

"Why can't ya'll jus' mind ya' own business, huh?! Ah jus' wanted a nice, relaxing day! An' thanks to _you_ yahoos, it's now been ruined!" She sniffled and continued her long and barely intelligible rant as she gathered everything up.

Just as Rogue was about to shuffle up to her room, Kitty popped down from the ceiling, landing in front of Rogue, almost causing her to lose her balance and tumble to the ground again.

"Like, what the heck did you guys do?!" Kitty demanded, her hands firmly on her hips.

"Ah'll tell ya' what they did!" Rogue exclaimed, her tears gone finally. "My lame-ass brother ported in front of me-"

"You, like, what? Those fumes can't be good for the baby!"

"Then he fought with me to carry the stupid laundry and made me fall on my ass!"

"You shouldn't strain her arms like that! Like, especially if you're gonna' make her fall!"

"Then these idiots came an' fought over my lingerie and ripped my favorite panties!"

"Boys, I think we need to have a serious talk." Kitty stated calmly.

"Look, Ah want _all_ of you to stay the hell away from me!"

"Yeah, guys." The small brunette agreed.

"You too, Kit!" With that, she stalked away and up to her room.

Kitty was hurt momentarily until she decided Rogue was just upset over the boys, never dreaming she didn't want their help.

Once the young mother was out of sight, Kitty crossed her arms and gave each of the boys in the room the most intimidating look she could manage. However, realizing that wasn't working, she opted for disappointment.

"She's pregnant guys. You have to be gentle with her now more than ever." Kitty spoke to them. (This should be read: Kitty continued her impressively boring lecture on all they had done wrong for almost a half hour, although the recipients only processed about two minutes of it as their minds were quickly taken over by day-dreams. The three boys' consisting mainly of what they conjectured due to the laundry they had seen. And felt.)

When the small brunette was finally satisfied with their little "chat" she said, "Well, I'm like, totally glad we got to have this talk. I hope you really took to heart all I told you, and, like, will go out of your way to help our Rogue through this struggle."

Being teenagers, they were very knowledgeable of when to nod or agree and when not to, ergo murmured their consents, and even looked ashamed at their earlier actions.

Very pleased with herself, Kitty nodded and walked away. Kurt ported out, whilst the other three hooligans continued their wandering around the mansion.

* * *

Remy, sweaty from the DR session he had just endured, entered his and his wife's room to find said woman crying and angrily tossing their clothes into the open drawers before her. Coming up behind her and placing his hands gently on her shoulder, he quietly murmured, "What's wrong, Anna?"

She turned to face him and held up her torn panties. "Look at what they did!" Then she resumed her previous task.

"Let me do dat. Who, petite?" He asked taking the clothing from her hand and continuing what she had started.

"Bobby an'-an' Ray an' Roberto! All Ah wanted to do was take the stupid laundry outta' the dryer an'-"

"Ya' shouldn't do dat, chere," He said simply.

She froze, "Wh-What?"

"I'd've been happy t' get da laundry f'r ya'."

"It's-It's no biggy," She told him, instantly on guard. Had they gotten to her beloved husband as well?

"Ya' don't wanna' strain ya'self wit' da baby on da way, an' all."

"It-It's jus' the laundry."

"Sure, t'day da laundry, t'morrow da fountain out front."

Rogue took a step back. "Ya're not serious, are ya'?"

"Dis ain't somet'in' t' joke about."

"Oh, no! They got you too!" She said moving away. (This should be read: She shrieked in horror as she nimbly leaped passed him and locked herself in the bathroom.) While she was passing him, he managed to reach out and grab her shirt, effectively tearing it, but not slowing her down. He blinked looking at the piece of green fabric he was holding while he heard a soft click from the door.

Shaking his head, he stepped over to their bathroom and banged on the door, "Chere? C'n Remy come in?''

"No!" She exclaimed hurriedly, pressing herself against the wall furthest from the door. "Stay away!"

"What's wrong, chere?"

"You- You're one o' them!"

"One o' who?" He questioned, genuinely confused.

"The zombies that the rest o' the mansion has turned into! Ah thought ya'd be safe! No one is! You're all mad!" She yelled in reply, desperately searching for an escape.

"Chere? Come out an' talk t' me."

"Walkin' might strain the baby!" She told him sarcastically.

He faltered. "Oui, it might, but it's jus' a few steps. If ya' unlock da door, Remy'll carry ya'."

"No! Go away!"

"Why, chere? Remy don't understand."

"None o' ya'll will let me do anyt'in'! Ah'm pregnant, not dyin'!"

Her choice of words caused something to click. Isn't that what he'd said earlier? He came to his senses. (This should be read: In a dramatic turn of events, he gripped the wall with one hand, and his head with the other. _Remember who you are _rang through his head in a manner very befitting of "The Lion King". He cried out a long and theatric "NOO!", struggling to remember what had been buried in his mind. Collapsing to the ground, he writhed in "agony" as images flooded his mind. He let out another shout, as he began to thrash-

"Remy, what the hell is goin' on?!" His wife asked. He stood up slowly, gasping. "I-I remember!" He yelled in a hoarse voice.

"Remember what?" She asked, growing very irritated, not understanding the battle Remy had just won.

"How I should act when you're pregnant." -End elaboration.)

She pressed herself against the door, and breathed, "Remy?"

Somehow, he managed to hear her as they often can in movies (and those people are rarely mutants. Seriously, how do you hear a whisper through a door or a wall the way they do?) "Chere, I'm sorry. Scott got t' me, but I'm back now. Forgive me." He pleaded.

She burst out of the door in ecstasy that she had her beloved Cajun back. However, she forgot said beloved Cajun was also pressed against the door and that said door swung in his direction, causing him to go tumbling onto his back with a small, "Oof!"

Rouge quickly kneeled at his side and brushed the hair out of his face. "Remy, are ya' ok?"

"Oui, jus' got da wind knocked outta' me." Remy brought his fingers to his head and gingerly touched the large bruise he now had. "I c'n make it t'rough anyt'in' now dat you're here." He sounded very much like he had just stepped out of a cheesy romance.

They shared a passionate kiss, then she helped him up.

Just then, Jean and Scott entered. (This should _also_ be read differently. Here is the proper interpretation: At that precise moment, Jean and Scott burst into the room, wild-eyed and panting.)

"No! I knew we'd lost him! I knew it!" Jean yelled pointed at Remy in horror.

"How could you let her bend down?!" Scott demanded.

Jean swatted him. "I just announced we'd lost him, that's 'how'!"

"Did ya' use ya' min' tricks on me?!" Remy exclaimed, suddenly realizing the cause of his earlier toil, deciding he could blame his overreacting and dramatizing of the event on that rather than admit he really _had_ overreacted and dramatized.

The red-head turned beet-red and ducked her head.

"We're just trying to help." From Kitty. She, Piotr, and Kurt had just entered the room as well.

Rogue face-palmed herself and Remy rolled his eyes. "Great. More company." Said by the latter.

The mother sighed wearily.

Just then, Logan joined the group and said solemnly. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today."

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at him in confusion.

He bridged his fingers, much as Xavier did frequently. Speak of the devil, the bald professor wheeled in right then.

The feral man began pacing. "As I'm sure you're all aware, Rogue is pregnant." *insert snort from our favorite Cajun* Logan ignored him and continued. "She's pregnant, not dyin'." That should be put on a T-shirt or something. "There's a difference between helpin' and babyin'. Erm,no pun intended." He stopped and looked directly at everyone before resuming his discourse. "I'm sure she appreciates your concern for her and the baby, but you're takin' it too far. Brainwashin' Gumbo? Exhibit "A". Attemptin' to brainwash me? Exhibit "B". An' also very stupid." He looked pointedly at Jean who cowered behind Scott. His previous movement started up again.

"Ya' can help th' poor girl, but ya' gotta' draw the line somewhere. Am I right, Stripes?" The addressed nodded vigorously. Logan continued his lecture for a lengthy amount of time. (Surprisingly, everyone actually paid attention.) By the end, Jean and Kitty were actually sobbing in shame, and each embraced Rogue blubbering about how sorry they were.

* * *

Later on that evening, Rogue and Remy were walking down to the kitchen, very pleased when no one stopped them because she was straining herself or something else ridiculous like that.

Remy kissed the top of her head whispering, "It's nice t' have t'ings back t' normal."

*Insert screams and the sounds of breaking glass as Logan yelled "Bobby! What did ya' do ta' my hair gel!" "Nothing! I don't know what you're talking about!" Came his terrified reply. Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, Tabitha was in the girl's bathroom styling her hair with a man's gel.*

"As normal as it gets." Rogue quietly responded.

* * *

Well, there it is. I hoped you enjoyed it. My favorite part was spoofing all the random stuff I did towards the end :)

I'm sure you know what time it is now. *slowly, an evil grin spreads across the author's face*

_If one were to review, I would be oh so pleased  
Said reviewer would surely be the "bee's knees"  
I hope you received my subtle hint  
If so, you may have my collection of lint._

There you have it folks. Review, review, review!

(So the last line is stretching it. Honestly, how many things rhyme with "hint" without me thinking about it for more than 15 seconds?!)


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